Accept

One of the things I've been working on for the past 6 months is to recognize and FEEL my feelings. To quote my daughter when she was a toddler, "I no yike dat!" (Just say it out loud and you'll get it!) Well, that's only partially true. I LOVE when I recognize a positive feeling like contentment or pleasure, and I love even more that I'm beginning to enjoy feeling happy without immediately squashing it "because it won't last". And, I don't like the negative emotions.

I often don't know how to define the feelings I have--beyond the very obvious ones. More specific labels are more difficult to recognize. So, I wander around spending time taking my emotional temperature. It's progress that I have even realized that my emotions are happening even if I'm not aware. They certainly have made themselves apparent at some inopportune times!

For the past couple of years, I've been adding a tiny prayer for myself at Mass or when saying my Rosary. It started as part of a desire to change my life and as part of a "One Little Word" challenge on Ali Edwards' blog. My first word was "peace". I asked for peace in the world, peace in my family and peace in my heart. I must say I could feel some changes in that time.

This year my word is "accept". This concept is a little amorphous for me, but the word is insistent that it is mine for the year! I agree, and find that it means different things at different times. It is, and has been, so easy for me to wish and hope that the past had been different and for me to assume that the future will be more of the same struggle. Right now, what I need to accept is where I am at the moment. And that place is uncertain and full of fearful excitement and anticipation. Even though I "no yike" feeling my big, scary emotions like anger and fear of being abandoned and not taken care of, there have been enough successful baby-step-feelings that show me that I'm okay on the other side of the emotion to continue to have those uncomfortable moments more and more.

So...I'm accepting that this part of my journey is like getting a little lost. You know you'll find your way back, but being lost is scary. I have some good navigational tools when I remember to use them...being kind to myself; sharing my thoughts with others who can validate and support my experiences; journal about my feelings, meditate and internalize that all my feelings are temporary--the come and go, and will continue to do that for as long as I'm here.