Bullying

I've always hated bullies. I work very hard to protect others from bullying.

What a shock it was to discover that I've allowed myself to be bullied for years...

I've been working hard on changing what I think about myself and how I internally talk to myself. My therapist has been gently pointing this out to me for a while, but the following analogy was so vivid that I couldn't help but wake up! She asked me how I would react if my daughter was playing right field on a softball team. My daughter missed a catch and the coach berated her and suggested that she was the worst player. She suggested that she wouldn't even get better with practice and she should just leave the field.

My therapist asked me how I would react, and I pretty much said the coach had better watch her back! She then shared another situation. My daughter was playing right field on a softball team. She missed a catch and the coach said, good try! I bet with more practice you'll get better; let's work together after the game. My reaction this time? I love this coach!

Her point??? Why am I letting the "bad coach" bully me and say such terribly negative things about me? And why do I let it speak to me so relentlessly??? Is it possible that the "good coach" could take over?

Good questions! I rarely even think of other people and their behavior as a bad coach would. Why would I do it to myself? Well, there are myriad and obvious reasons for this, but the real point of this story is this. I've always hated bullies and I can't remember a time when I didn't stand up to them. My will is really strong (how could it not be after so many years of the bad coach blabbing in my head(-; ) so I stood up to this bully, the one inside my mind. I fired her in no uncertain terms. No one treats me like this! I like the supportive coach helping me to get better and cheer me on as I practice new ways to think about myself. I'll admit, sometimes that bully makes an appearance and takes over, but as soon as I notice her, the reinforcements arrive and she's escorted off the field!

So far so good...

Courage & Unlearning

"It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are." e.e. cummings

For the life of me, I can't remember where I recently read this quote, but it immediately struck a chord in me. I can't remember (are you sensing a current theme in my life???) how many times I've talked to my therapist about my wondering understanding of who I am becoming!

Learning about who I am when I peel away all the layers of protection that I've built up over the 30-plus years of coping with Daddy's death and my loss is truly scary. Mr. Cummings had it right (and he also suffered from depression!)--it does take courage and faith and hard work!

I'd always characterized myself as having a lot of traits, but courage was not one of them--at least not the kind of courage it took to really feel all the feelings that came with losing a parent at the tender "tween age".

I'm so grateful to be learning that I have the courage it takes to examine my past and current feelings. While there are MANY ups and downs, and the downs seem more frequent than the ups lately, I am proud of myself for doing the work and discovering I am a courageous person.

A lot of the courage I need is to unlearn behaviors and the feelings that preceeded and followed them. Stacy Julian noted in a blog post last week her thoughts about being creative in a world of old ideas (my words--read hers, they're terrific!), of changing the way we frame our thoughts. This is all I'm doing right now; I'm learning new ways to think and these ways just don't FIT into my old way of thinking. It's like trying to put a round peg in a square hole; they're both shapes and both useful but won't mesh together.

I'm unlearning and, while it's scary and hard, it's also exhilarating and I'm so appreciative of what I'm (un)learning about myself! I'm not entirely sure I know who it is I'm becoming, but I've got to believe that I'm going to like this person.