Orbis Terrarum Poetry Mini-Challenge Poem One

Lot's Wife
by Anna Akhmatova
http://www.poets.org/viewmedia.php/prmMID/15867

Loving this poem! Haven't we all felt like Lot's wife? Following the rules but tempted? I don't prefer to delve too deeply into the "poet's meaning". I prefer to enjoy a poem for what it says to me. Unscholarly? Yes. Am I okay with that? Yes.

I appreciate Akhmatova's empathy for Lot's Wife. I too felt that it was unfair of God to punish her curiosity--and I'm not a big fan of blind obedience! For more poetry written by Russian women, I highly recommend reading An Anthology of Contemporary Russian Women Poets by Valentina Polukhina.

Kelly and Ozzy

In general, I'm not a fan of reality TV, but I do like "Dancing with the Stars". Last night, Kelly Osbourne danced beautifully--surprising both herself and her parents. There was a moment after she finished her waltz when she ran to her parents and hugged her father. After their embrace, he so sweetly cupped her face, kissed her and told her how proud he was of her. It was such a lovely moment. I was so jealous.

The green-eyed monster's appearance had nothing to do with my secret wish that I could dance (and dress in beautiful gowns), but that Kelly Osbourne is so lucky to have her dad to hold her and tell her how proud of her he was. Jealousy was quickly followed by sadness and a bitterness that my Dad isn't here to tell me how much he loves me and how proud his is of me.

Sometimes I'm consumed with this combination of sadness and bitterness. I felt this way on my wedding day and on the day Corey was born. I so wanted him to be with me--even though I had so many people who love me near on those days, it wasn't enough. Most days I figure that Daddy is in heaven watching over me and so proud of me.

But then there are those days during which this imagining doesn't matter. I miss him with a sharp rawness that takes my breath away. I'm not sure if other people feel this way about their lost loved ones, although I bet they do, but I'm always amazed at this reaction. I figure that I should be over his death by now, and am startled to realize that I'm not.

Slowly, much too slowly it sometimes seems, I'm learning to appreciate the appearance of these feelings. In some way, having these feelings validates the pain I felt as a child so many years ago. Feelings that were too big for me to feel safe with are slowly coming to the surface. Decades of avoiding how I felt, while a good coping mechanism at the time, now feels like I cheated Daddy of my feelings of grief and despair that he was dead.

I'm still not sure that I will survive these overwhelming emotions, but I'm beginning to believe that experiencing my feelings is a way to honor Daddy, and that he would be proud of my efforts. I'll never get the hug and caress that I want from my Dad the way Kelly Osbourne got hers, and that's OK. It still hurts, but I had him and his love for me for 11 years, and that has to be enough.

There is no substitute for Daddy's presence, but I'm here to remember him and to make him proud. I'll just imagine the hugs and caresses that he'd give to me if he could.

Small World

I submitted my 1976 layout to the Good Grief Blog Challenge and I WON the random drawing! I was so excited to win awesome tags from Ormulo. Even more exciting was to receive them in the mail yesterday with a little note from the owner who is originally from Massachusetts and still has family here!

I love how small this world is and I love making connections with people. I think that's one reason why I love to read the blogs of people who are creative and interesting. I learn so much about their world, and while reflecting, I learn more about mine. I use Google Reader to collect the blogs/websites I like. I'm so happy I finally decided to use it--thanks to my pal Deb H. Checking my bookmarks was getting very O-L-D!

To get back on track... I thought I'd share the top blogs I love. These are the blogs that I would choose if someone told me I had to cull them--they're also the ones I make sure to read if I'm pressed for time!

books i done read
http://booksidoneread.blogspot.com/
Raych makes me laugh out loud! I love her reviews and her style!

Dreadlock Girl
http://www.dreadlockgirl.com/
Bethany is a gentle soul who leads a fascinating life of little boys, travel and reading. She's pointed me to so many good reads, including my current: North of Beautiful by Justina Chen Headley. Here is her short review!

Jennifer McGuire, ink
http://jennifermcguireink.typepad.com/my_weblog/
Jennifer is a stamper par excellence! I love her projects and her heart--and her technique videos!

Moxie Fab World
http://www.moxiefabworld.com/
Cath Edvalson scours the paper crafting world for inspiration and trends!

Kelly Rae Roberts
http://kellyraeroberts.blogspot.com/
I found Kelly Rae when I ordered her book, Taking Flight, for the craft collection at our library. She is an artist and inner explorer. She has inspired me to work to become more "myself". If I could adopt her, I would! If you like her work, you can purchase on her website or you could visit The Gift Horse in Topsfield for some of her work reprinted by Demdaco.

Whatever
http://whatever.scalzi.com/
John Scalzi, one of my favorite writers, hosts this website full of his thoughts about writing, life, politics, movies, and more. It's hard to describe, so you just have to go there and poke around. And...if you haven't read any of his books, remedy that VERY soon! One favorite is The Android's Dream, and you really should try his Old Man's War Universe books starting with Old Man's War!

Creative Organizing at simplify101.com
http://creativeorganizing.typepad.com/creative_organizing/
Aby Garvey is one of my favorite online people! She's helped me reduce some of the clutter in my home! If you get a chance and have the time, take one of her online organizing courses. They are reasonably priced for the content and access to classmates in an easy to use forum. I'm a fan for life!

Bits&Pieces
http://cathyzielske.typepad.com/my_weblog/
Cathy Zielske is one of the funniest scrapbookers I (virtually) know! I like her sense of humor and her stories of her life and the simple design tips she shares. She also teaches awesome online classes for Big Picture Scrapbooking!

Well, there you have it--my list of blog reading essentials! I love how the web has enabled my world to become both bigger and smaller! Looking back at the list, I must not be really pressed for time--there are a LOT of blogs posted! Enjoy them, and let me know if I should add any must-reads to Google Reader. I have time for more!

Accept

One of the things I've been working on for the past 6 months is to recognize and FEEL my feelings. To quote my daughter when she was a toddler, "I no yike dat!" (Just say it out loud and you'll get it!) Well, that's only partially true. I LOVE when I recognize a positive feeling like contentment or pleasure, and I love even more that I'm beginning to enjoy feeling happy without immediately squashing it "because it won't last". And, I don't like the negative emotions.

I often don't know how to define the feelings I have--beyond the very obvious ones. More specific labels are more difficult to recognize. So, I wander around spending time taking my emotional temperature. It's progress that I have even realized that my emotions are happening even if I'm not aware. They certainly have made themselves apparent at some inopportune times!

For the past couple of years, I've been adding a tiny prayer for myself at Mass or when saying my Rosary. It started as part of a desire to change my life and as part of a "One Little Word" challenge on Ali Edwards' blog. My first word was "peace". I asked for peace in the world, peace in my family and peace in my heart. I must say I could feel some changes in that time.

This year my word is "accept". This concept is a little amorphous for me, but the word is insistent that it is mine for the year! I agree, and find that it means different things at different times. It is, and has been, so easy for me to wish and hope that the past had been different and for me to assume that the future will be more of the same struggle. Right now, what I need to accept is where I am at the moment. And that place is uncertain and full of fearful excitement and anticipation. Even though I "no yike" feeling my big, scary emotions like anger and fear of being abandoned and not taken care of, there have been enough successful baby-step-feelings that show me that I'm okay on the other side of the emotion to continue to have those uncomfortable moments more and more.

So...I'm accepting that this part of my journey is like getting a little lost. You know you'll find your way back, but being lost is scary. I have some good navigational tools when I remember to use them...being kind to myself; sharing my thoughts with others who can validate and support my experiences; journal about my feelings, meditate and internalize that all my feelings are temporary--the come and go, and will continue to do that for as long as I'm here.

Hey! I made a scrapbook page!

This layout has been percolating in my head for a while. It uses my blog post from
December 30, 2008. I created it because I like to make pages that reflect my thoughts and feelings. Also, I found a great new website called the Good Grief Blog. It's a great blog with scrapbookers responding to their grief and pain through scrapbooking.

So, here is my layout. If you want to read the words I wrote you can go to this post.

Bullying

I've always hated bullies. I work very hard to protect others from bullying. I figure I'll get hurt someday facing down a bully...

What a shock it was to discover that I've allowed myself to be bullied for years...

I've been working hard on changing what I think about myself and how I internally talk to myself. My therapist has been gently pointing this out to me for a while, but the following analogy was so vivid that I couldn't help but wake up! She asked me how I would react if my daughter was playing right field on a softball team. My daughter missed a catch and the coach berated her and suggested that she was the worst player. She suggested that she wouldn't even get better with practice and she should just leave the field.

My therapist asked me how I would react, and I pretty much said the coach had better watch her back! She then shared another situation. My daughter was playing right field on a softball team. She missed a catch and the coach said, good try! I bet with more practice you'll get better; let's work together after the game. My reaction this time? I love this coach!

Her point??? Why am I letting the "bad coach" bully me and say such terribly negative things about me? And why do I let it speak to me so relentlessly??? Is it possible that the "good coach" could take over?

Good questions! I rarely even think of other people and their behavior as a bad coach would. I'm so much nicer to other people than I am to myself. Why would I do it to myself? Well, there are myriad and obvious reasons for this, but the real point of this story is this. I've always hated bullies and I can't remember a time when I didn't stand up to them. My will is really strong (how could it not be after so many years of the bad coach blabbing in my head(-; ) so I stood up to this bully, the one inside my mind. I fired her in no uncertain terms. No one treats me like this! I like the supportive coach helping me to get better and cheer me on as I practice new ways to think about myself. I'll admit, sometimes that bully makes an appearance and takes over, but as soon as I notice her, the reinforcements arrive and she's escorted off the field!

So far so good...

Where have I been???

Well, I dropped off the old blog wagon, didn't I? Late spring and summer were tough months for me. My depression can take me over and makes it difficult to want to do anything.

Lately, my depression has let up and I've been doing a few more things that are fun and more active. I spent a bunch of time taking classes at www.simplify101.com. It has been amazing to me how much getting some control of my physical space helped me to feel better about myself. Who wouldn't want to keep going with that???

Anywhoo, I've been taking online classes at simplify101 and making Cards for Heroes--another thing that has taken myself out of my depressed head. I spent a day and a half making cards recently, in response to a challenge that one of my scrapbooking pals issued. It was amazing to me how much I thought about the soldiers who would receive these cards that they will use to send home to their loved ones and friends.

Not much with poetry lately (or reading for that matter). It is so hard for me to concentrate on anything during a depression...

I had an unexpected reaction last weekend to Senator Ted Kennedy's funeral. I was stunned on the day he died, feeling like something was missing. Even though I am not very political, I can't deny the effect the Kennedy family has had in America. Anyway, I happened to turn on the TV last weekend and caught a bit of the arrival of the Kennedy family outside the church and I watched the procession of his casket into the church.

I've been to many funerals; I've sung at funeral masses--my favorite to do because it's such a comfort to the family, and I've certainly seen my share on TV...At not one other funeral did I cry--sob--so much. I felt bad for the Kennedy family, but I was aware that the real reason I was crying was 1) because his funeral reminded me of my Dad's and 2) I couldn't display this kind of grief at Daddy's funeral.

I held my emotions in check at Daddy's funeral for a couple of reasons. I was very uncomfortable crying in front of other people and I didn't want to call attention to myself. I also felt very much that if I cried, I'd never stop and I couldn't let that happen. I'm still struggling with that one ;-)... Well, I cried tears for Daddy and for the little girl who couldn't cry and for the Kennedy's and their pain and, although tired when I finished, I felt better.

I've discovered that my grief is like that--in the way back of my mind until something like this triggers it. I'm working really hard to just accept it and feel it when it happens now instead of questioning why this is still happening and what triggered it. Feeling my feelings is REALLY hard for me but I'm doing it anyway in the hopes that they don't run over me like a mack truck and to learn that I'll be OK during and after the feeling. Toward that effort, I'm also trying to take time each day to reminisce and invite my feelings to come up and then FEEL them for goodness sake!

It's a journey...not a destination. Sending good wishes out into the world.