Mom,

I appreciated your email of support and I think that posting my response to your email will help me to work through some stuff and explain it to you and DB...

I know that I can trust you and that you love me. I'm struggling with feelings that are so deeply buried that I'm surprised by them when the come up. I never had the chance to grow up and away from Daddy in the way I did with you when I was a teenager. I think that's why I still idolize him in the way a child does. I'm still a child in my heart when it comes to thinking about Daddy--I still feel very child like feelings for him and his presence in my childhood. That's one of the reasons I think I'm having such a hard time letting all of this go. I knew I was taking a risk putting some of my thoughts and feelings out there for all (mostly you and DB!) to see, but I have such a hard time talking about all of this in person. I think the added layer of a blog or email makes it a bit easier for me.

I also worry A LOT that what I'm feeling will hurt you and so that's another reason why it's so hard to talk about it in person--I can barely cope with my own feelings that the idea of having to cope with what I imagine yours would be is scary. I know that doesn't give you much credit for having already grieved and being much further ahead than me, but, the pre-teen me is still worried about upsetting you. I know that it's not my job to protect you, but I'm still very aware that you lost your childhood sweetheart--the love of your life. If Daddy was the love of my childhood life, I can only imagine how much more you loved him!


Unfortunately, taking my pain away to a metaphorical (and sometimes actual) closet to cope with has been the way I've coped for years. I think our family coped with our stunned feelings that way--were all in our little corners feeling pain and not knowing how to find comfort in each other. I feel very sad about that, but I don't yet have the skills to find comfort in anyone else right now. That's one of the things I'm working on in therapy--how much comfort can I tolerate from anyone else. It seems silly to say out loud, but it's a big thing right now for me to let someone else attempt to comfort me with a tissue, or a kind word or a hug.

I think this struggle is as hard now as it would have been then, but now I have a third party to help me through it--someone for whom the burden of my feelings isn't so personal. I also have the added benefit of adult perspective to help me through. Thanks for writing to me and I love you very much! Thank you for listening/reading and not judging me and my feelings.