Courage & Unlearning

"It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are." e.e. cummings

For the life of me, I can't remember where I recently read this quote, but it immediately struck a chord in me. I can't remember (are you sensing a current theme in my life???) how many times I've talked to my therapist about my wondering understanding of who I am becoming!

Learning about who I am when I peel away all the layers of protection that I've built up over the 30-plus years of coping with Daddy's death and my loss is truly scary. Mr. Cummings had it right (and he also suffered from depression!)--it does take courage and faith and hard work!

I'd always characterized myself as having a lot of traits, but courage was not one of them--at least not the kind of courage it took to really feel all the feelings that came with losing a parent at the tender "tween age".

I'm so grateful to be learning that I have the courage it takes to examine my past and current feelings. While there are MANY ups and downs, and the downs seem more frequent than the ups lately, I am proud of myself for doing the work and discovering I am a courageous person.

A lot of the courage I need is to unlearn behaviors and the feelings that preceeded and followed them. Stacy Julian noted in a blog post last week her thoughts about being creative in a world of old ideas (my words--read hers, they're terrific!), of changing the way we frame our thoughts. This is all I'm doing right now; I'm learning new ways to think and these ways just don't FIT into my old way of thinking. It's like trying to put a round peg in a square hole; they're both shapes and both useful but won't mesh together.

I'm unlearning and, while it's scary and hard, it's also exhilarating and I'm so appreciative of what I'm (un)learning about myself! I'm not entirely sure I know who it is I'm becoming, but I've got to believe that I'm going to like this person.