I Love the Moon

Using NaPoWriMo's starter #4, this is today's poem.

I can never find the big dipper
The little dipper escapes me too
It's not that I live in the city
Orion's Belt is easy to view

The moon goes through it's monthly cycle
As mine moves me gentle and true
Poets write sonnets and verse to la lune
I write in honor of you

Many women decry your great power
Afraid the gods have conspired
In tune with the song singing through me
Energies awake I create am inspired

For you not very much longer
Remember when the moon's in your view
Stars light the sky with some sparkle
But the moon glows only for you

April 4, 2009

Hope

Today's poem is inspired by Kelly Rae Roberts' blog post

pretend until you're not pretending anymore
that's what the blog post says
that's what the therapist suggests

not much inspires her although
the casual observer would hardly notice
pretend until you're not pretending anymore

days go by and her hope erodes
as the depression lingers on
pretend until you're not pretending anymore

she doesn't believe she is capable
of imagining a future beyond this time
pretend until you're not pretending anymore

smile even when you don't feel happy
eventually you'll be happier
pretend until you're not pretending anymore

believe that your circumstances will change
and notice when they do
pretend until you're not pretending anymore

picture the life you want to have
keep reminders everywhere
pretend until you're not pretending anymore

pretend until you're not pretending anymore
that's what the blog post says
that's what the therapist suggests
that's what the woman is trying to do

April 3, 2009

What is it about bedtime?

Today's poem is a direct result of my daughter and my nightly ritual.

One of my favorite parts of the day
is reading to you and snuggling with you
for a few minutes each night.
For me it is a peaceful way to end the day,
a time of closeness and closure,
a moment of grace and reassurance that
I am a good mother to you.

For you, I imagine this routine
serves a similar purpose: a peaceful
ending to a long day of schoolyard
politics and immense learning;
a time to snuggle close and be
my little girl again; the only
time in the day when you have
my undivided attention.

How sorry am I when I tell you
that it's time to go to sleep and
for me to leave the warmth
of our moments of connection and comfort.
Sorry because our nightly mother-daughter
moment turns into a nightly battle of wills.
You want me to stay, and I need to leave.

I want to snuggle with you and I often long
to just stay comfortably in your bed, but I
know that I can't. Once you're settled in bed,
I can take some time to rejuvenate and recenter.
I can read, write or craft. I need this time
to remind myself that I am worth nurturing
and spending the same kind of quality time on
as I do with you.

I know I can't explain my needs to your satisfaction.
I only hope that you remember
when you are a mother to take care of your self
as well as you take care of your child. If that is what happens,
I'll be assured that I am a good mother. Sleep peacefully
for tomorrow is another day, and tomorrow night a new
chapter to our story. I know you'll love the ending we created.

April 2, 2009

April Is a Great Month

Here it is. My favorite month. (Drum roll please!) April!

It's my birthday month! It contains National Library Week! It is National Poetry Month! And, it's NaPoWriMo. This year I'm in! Basically, I'll write a poem every day in April. Not expecting big things, but I've been really wanting to touch my creative side more often and I love poetry.

I can't think of a much nicer way to celebrate my birth month.

Here's today's Poem:

I know where I've been.
I know where I am.
I don't know where I'm going.

I know where I am.
I don't know where I'm going.
I only want to get there.

I don't know where I'm going.
I only want to get there.
I need to respect the road.

I only want to get there.
I need to respect the road.
I believe the road is true.

I need to respect the road.
I believe the road is true.
I want to enjoy the journey.

I believe the road is true.
I want to enjoy the journey.
I will go where it leads.

April 1, 2009

Bullying

I've always hated bullies. I work very hard to protect others from bullying.

What a shock it was to discover that I've allowed myself to be bullied for years...

I've been working hard on changing what I think about myself and how I internally talk to myself. My therapist has been gently pointing this out to me for a while, but the following analogy was so vivid that I couldn't help but wake up! She asked me how I would react if my daughter was playing right field on a softball team. My daughter missed a catch and the coach berated her and suggested that she was the worst player. She suggested that she wouldn't even get better with practice and she should just leave the field.

My therapist asked me how I would react, and I pretty much said the coach had better watch her back! She then shared another situation. My daughter was playing right field on a softball team. She missed a catch and the coach said, good try! I bet with more practice you'll get better; let's work together after the game. My reaction this time? I love this coach!

Her point??? Why am I letting the "bad coach" bully me and say such terribly negative things about me? And why do I let it speak to me so relentlessly??? Is it possible that the "good coach" could take over?

Good questions! I rarely even think of other people and their behavior as a bad coach would. Why would I do it to myself? Well, there are myriad and obvious reasons for this, but the real point of this story is this. I've always hated bullies and I can't remember a time when I didn't stand up to them. My will is really strong (how could it not be after so many years of the bad coach blabbing in my head(-; ) so I stood up to this bully, the one inside my mind. I fired her in no uncertain terms. No one treats me like this! I like the supportive coach helping me to get better and cheer me on as I practice new ways to think about myself. I'll admit, sometimes that bully makes an appearance and takes over, but as soon as I notice her, the reinforcements arrive and she's escorted off the field!

So far so good...

Courage & Unlearning

"It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are." e.e. cummings

For the life of me, I can't remember where I recently read this quote, but it immediately struck a chord in me. I can't remember (are you sensing a current theme in my life???) how many times I've talked to my therapist about my wondering understanding of who I am becoming!

Learning about who I am when I peel away all the layers of protection that I've built up over the 30-plus years of coping with Daddy's death and my loss is truly scary. Mr. Cummings had it right (and he also suffered from depression!)--it does take courage and faith and hard work!

I'd always characterized myself as having a lot of traits, but courage was not one of them--at least not the kind of courage it took to really feel all the feelings that came with losing a parent at the tender "tween age".

I'm so grateful to be learning that I have the courage it takes to examine my past and current feelings. While there are MANY ups and downs, and the downs seem more frequent than the ups lately, I am proud of myself for doing the work and discovering I am a courageous person.

A lot of the courage I need is to unlearn behaviors and the feelings that preceeded and followed them. Stacy Julian noted in a blog post last week her thoughts about being creative in a world of old ideas (my words--read hers, they're terrific!), of changing the way we frame our thoughts. This is all I'm doing right now; I'm learning new ways to think and these ways just don't FIT into my old way of thinking. It's like trying to put a round peg in a square hole; they're both shapes and both useful but won't mesh together.

I'm unlearning and, while it's scary and hard, it's also exhilarating and I'm so appreciative of what I'm (un)learning about myself! I'm not entirely sure I know who it is I'm becoming, but I've got to believe that I'm going to like this person.

Landslide

"Well, I've been afraid of changing 'cause I built my life around you..."

I'm sure that Stevie Nicks wasn't thinking about her father when she wrote the lyrics to this song, but I think she was talking about the place I'm at right now... She wrote the song before she hit it big with Fleetwood Mac and was working to figure out where she was going with her life. While she viewed the Colorado mountains and contemplated an avalanche, I've experienced a landslide all my own.

Each time I've heard this specific line of the song lyrics, it has struck a chord with me. It wasn't until very recently, and with the help of my therapist, that I really began to understand what it means to me.

I'm at a point where I marvel at the amount of work my brain did to create a set of rigid "rules" about my Dad and his death for me to believe in. Things like: being happy is an affront to Daddy's memory; being sad is the only feeling I can have about Daddy's death; if only I had been good enough Daddy wouldn't have died; don't share your feelings with anyone because they won't understand; don't have feelings because you don't understand them; my anger caused Daddy to die, etc...

My landslide was the recent avalanche of feelings that would overwhelm me at the most inopportune (i.e. whenever I wasn't ready to deal with them) moments. When I noticed that the sum total of my feelings consisted of rage, anger, frustration, and the accompanying bewilderment of where this was all coming from, I realized I was in another deep depression. It took me a while to realize that I was depressed again, because these feelings weren't my usual clue that I was depressed. As a matter of fact, it was these feelings that made me wonder what the heck was going on.

I'd never (well, very rarely) let myself feel anger and rage, and now I couldn't stop feeling these emotions. I've discovered that the anger I was feeling is in direct conflict with one of my heretofore inviolable rules and I believe that caused my crisis resulting in depression. What could I do now??? I was caught in a landslide of feelings I didn't understand and I couldn't fight my way out. Fortunately, I have learned some depression survival skills and I contacted my therapist.

I've realized that I have been afraid of changing how I feel about Daddy's death, and I've discovered that I need to rebuild the beliefs that I built around Daddy's death. I'm afraid because I don't know any other way to behave--I have 32 years of unusual coping skills to evaluate and change. The need to let go of these coping skills that are no longer working and to honor Daddy in a healthy way is so compelling that I can't continue to live like I did.

I am taking baby steps and the first ones are to be able to identify what I'm feeling and then to just feel them. I guess my slogan should echo Nike's: Just Feel It. So, that's what I'm doing and I'm grateful that hearing the Dixie Chicks sing "Landslide" tonight reminded me that I am changing even though I'm still afraid.