It's a New Year!

I hate resolutions. Making them feels so good... I'm in control of my life! I will be a better version of me! This time I will succeed! Then comes the sad, disappointing realization that I cannot keep these resolutions..that I've failed again.

So, I hate resolutions. I don't think I'm alone in my hatred or in my lack of success. So, I don't make resolutions. I have this really strong aversion to goal setting in my personal life. Professionally, goals are cool--I love to write them, implement them, celebrate success and analyze mistakes, rewrite them, etc. Personally, goals seem like impossible mountains to climb and even if there is a glimmer of hope, a spark of intuition that I can accomplish a goal, the actual work that I perceive I need to do is so overwhelming to me that the goal/dream/wish/hope stays a tiny spark. I don't feed the spark, so it never has a chance to light and become the burning flame that propels me and feeds my soul. My soul longs to be fed in this way.

There are many theories and reasons I don't feed the spark, and they're probably all right! This year, I'm not making any resolutions either--I do hate failure... BUT, I've realized that I've been cheating myself of myself for all these years. Truly, it's hard for me to even dream a dream (well, not hard for me to dream--those who know me know I have vivid nighttime dreams often in "technicolor" and "stereophonic sound"!). I mean that it's hard for me to imagine something different for myself.

I have glimmers, shadows of dreams and desires, and I know they're telling me what I want, but I'm so used to setting them aside, to fearing them, that I'm finding that I can't make any sense of them. They're so fleeting that they feel like they slip through my thoughts and I can't hold on to them. It makes achieving them tricky if I can't remember them...

The only glimmer I can really identify right now is the desire to feel better. To stop feeling this relentless depression. To be able to recognize what I'm feeling so that I can continue to work on accepting who I am and what the circumstance of my life has been and to make peace with it. I can truthfully say that working on these things is the hardest thing I have ever done. Also truthfully, it was so much easier denying and pushing my feelings away and avoiding than it is to be aware.

So, if I'm going to have a resolution, a goal, a snippet of a dream, it is to continue to be aware. And to accept what being aware brings me--feelings. To understand that feelings just are. To resist interpreting as good or bad. This is SO scary. I'm continually afraid that my feelings will overwhelm me. Rage will take me over. Joy will consume me. Fear will continue to rule my actions. Sadness will be the sum total of my life.

That I even recognize these fears is progress for me. Being mindful and aware is a new skill I'm learning. I have to continually practice. And I have to practice with small things that have nothing to do with my own fears. Reminding myself to notice little things. My new lemon sage hand lotion makes my hands, and by extension myself, feel pampered. I appreciate realizing that. The contrast of modern city buildings and an old brick tower rising above the skyline is beautiful to me, and I acknowledge that. Noticing that my daughter's voice is no longer that of a child, but of a growing-up girl. This bittersweet realization was a true gift to me.

If I can only do one thing this year--or for the rest of my life for that matter (yes, I really am that dramatic!)--it is to continue to be aware, to hone my awareness. To understand to my core that accepting the feelings in my life and the circumstances that contribute to them is what living is. And, while it's hard for me to believe sometime (OK, most of the time--but I'm working on that!), feelings come and they go. They are impermanent. They are transient. They are like the weather in New England. I really want to understand that and come to believe it because I've experienced it. I think in this way, although it will probably be continual work, I'll find more pockets of peace in my life and fewer of distress and fear.

Did I just make a resolution? No. I don't want to call it that--it's still too much pressure.

I'm going to call it my new way of living. I fully expect to stumble and get stuck and be angry and fear it. But I also fully expect to fan the sparks that are hiding and bring some of them to a small flame when I'm ready and able.

Awareness. Acceptance. Peace.
I hope that for you as well.
Happy New Year